You’ll always wish you could go back & tell your younger self the things you know now. But the cruel reality is that you wouldn’t be who you are today if you hadn’t lived through all the moments you have up until exactly right now. If any lesson hadn’t been learned or if any chapter had been different then you wouldn’t be the you that you currently are. You also never know what the future holds, what it will bring you & when, or what your timeline of the things you want will look like. I’m entering my second half of being 30 & I didn’t know what this age would do to me or how it would make me feel. Oddly enough, it was never what I always imagined would come with the closing of my 20’s. But it’s been a final stage of a journey I’ve been on for quite some time & the beginning of a new one, a metamorphosis if you will. A new era of me.
When I turned 25 I remember feeling weird that I was in the middle of the ages that were supposed to be the best years of my life. They were supposed to be my adventurous years, the ones where I did all the things. What things? I’m not sure because I’ve never been the adventurous one & I never really did things. I had the dreams to, but I lacked the knowledge on the how’s of having the plans to actually do them. Maybe that’s because my biggest dream was always to find a partner & have kids so I waited thinking that would just happen. No action, just wishful thinking. A pattern that I’m still having to work hard at breaking free from. Growing up I had always thought that I’d be married & done having kids by that age, something I laugh quite a bit at now. Especially because looking back who I was then had no clue what she really wanted & she wouldn’t know what to do with it had it landed in her lap because of who she was. So as the years went on & I creeped towards 30, I always thought turning that age would bring sadness to a chapter closing on all of my “better days”. I thought I would care that a young decade was ending. I thought I would tearfully dread the turning of the clock to an older fate. But I was completely wrong.
I don’t really want to say I’m wise because I could write many books just listing the things that I don’t know or have never tried before or still avoid doing. But choosing to be someone who works really hard at being self-aware & puts in the work at therapy to heal & better my behaviors, I would say I know a thing or two now. At least in how I’ve chosen to perceive the events I’ve lived through & how to carry them as lessons moving forward in my life. Remember when I said I wish I could go back & tell my younger self the things I know now? I desperately wish that I could. I’d want to shout at her to choose a different path & force her to live a different kind of life full of the things I wished I had experienced now. But would doing that be true to me & who I really am today? Because I like who I am today & who would I be if I made different choices? In actuality if given the chance to go back I’d choose to stand in front of her, reach out, & embrace her with a hug as I whisper in her ear “this is going to hurt like hell, but it’s all going to be okay because it’s going to get you where you need to be & make you into the person you were always meant to become”. That’s the thing about life, we feel like we learn our lessons too late but they’re actually always right on time. So maybe turning 30 would have felt different if I had experienced different things than I had. Maybe I would have felt differently if I approached the age in the place I had always imagined I’d be in & not the one I was in.
Some days I sit here & I still feel like I’m desperately just not where I want to be. Because I’m not & it feels like I never will, even though the reality is that with time you’re getting closer to it & the countdown is lessening. But because you’re getting used to it not existing it actually feels like its getting farther away. You feel like you’ve put in the time & the effort & the hard work for so long preparing for it that your hope just dissipates. The race feels longer & not shorter. You get more anxious instead of nervous with excitement. Maybe I should view it as if I were counting down to a vacation because as I got closer to the moment of experiencing what I was waiting for I would be feeling more hopeful with anticipation that my big trip is happening & quickly approaching. I would be thrilled that it was getting closer, not doubtful that it would take place. So when it comes to my dreams that logic should apply, but it just simply doesn’t. I am 30 & I feel no closer to the life I want though that’s not actually the truth or reality. It’s simply a negative feeling of emptiness that my life is not full because of all it seems to lack. What a backwards thought that I’m working on correcting. My life still matters & can be full even without.
Sometimes I feel like it’s a burdened life I’ve lived, having done all of my 20’s alone. For someone who feels most alive with human connection it can be difficult. But there’s also a lot of strength my experience has gifted me. I have had to rely on myself to get through things like deaths, decisions, & devastations. And though I’ve dragged my feet through all the dread I’ve felt of my have to’s of doing things alone. And I’m sure one day I’ll be grateful for all of my current get to’s of being alone. But honestly, I’m tired. Tired of being the available one. Tired of being the forgotten one. Tired of being the one who does it all alone. I hope I never forget what this feels like. Because if I do get to experience the life I want one day, I don’t ever want to become so self-consumed with myself & my life that I forget that humans still need each other no matter what stage of life they’re in.
Being 30 you just don’t care about so many things anymore & that was something I was not prepared to feel. I don’t care when I hear a no. I just know it means that that thing wasn’t supposed to be mine. I don’t care about what my face looks like in public. I have gone out in public & posted myself with less makeup on more times in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life of wearing makeup & that still feels so foreign & new to me because it’s something I never felt comfortable doing before & never thought I would do. I don’t care that other people’s lives look different than mine & I don’t focus on comparing mine to theirs because I don’t even want what they have. I want my own version of it. And now, I know all the things I care about too. I know all the things I want to fill my life. I know all of the people I want to be around. I know all of me. I know what sets me off, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, all the things I’ve healed from, all the things I still need to work on, & I know how I want to spend my time. There’s no apologies to be made of who I am & what I seek. My no’s come boldly & my yes’s come with excitement (most of the time, I’m still human). And though I find myself still feeling like I’m waiting to experience certain things, I don’t want to live in my future desires. I don’t want to live in a waiting room anymore. I want to live carefree now & not worry about what’s coming or when it will.
Waiting isn’t always a bad thing though, even if it feels like it is sometimes. I’m used to it by now & I’ve recognized the benefits of it. It’s all a part of the bigger story. It means I was never handed something I wasn’t ready for yet & to me that’s a beautiful thing. But I need to remind myself that I didn’t waste my time either & that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It’s never too late for me to start, change, or create something new. I can always move forward with a better approach & I can always go after something I wish I had in the past & still make it happen. Living for myself & going after what I truly want is all that truly matters. So is showing up for the people in your life. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve lived through because I put in the work to get past it. My healing came & all that I want will be mine. This life is mine & it’s allowed to look however I want it to.
The past ten years brought me a lot of loss & heartache that I didn’t see coming, but it made me stronger, more compassionate, & left me with a full understanding of what I am capable of handling. It made me. It grew me. It shaped me. It refined me into a better version of me. A lot of who I was hasn’t changed from who I am. The feelings I’ve always had to show up, encourage, & be there for others hasn’t vanished. It’s only widened & stretched it’s mission. And I hope those traits never leave me. But even though the time I’ve lived so far was spent focusing on the needs of so many others & I don’t want that element to ever fade away, I do want this new decade to finally be about saying yes to me first. I know I’ll always be considerate because at my core that’s who I am, but I need to start with considering myself from the beginning. Showing up for myself, listening to my voice first, providing my own needs, & reminding myself that my wants are important & worth being known.
All of my best days are still ahead of me & that’s reason enough to keep showing up. I loved my 20’s for all of things it allowed me to experience, learn, & grow from. But this next decade will be about me & going after what I want. I’ve had this space to share my life since I was a teenager & now I’m in my third decade of having this online window to my life. I’ve used it as I’ve needed it & it has brought me so many great opportunities & experiences. I’m grateful for its ability to allow me to expose myself & share with you all my struggles & lessons, my anxieties & dreams, my pain & happiness, my vulnerabilities & confidence. I’m excited to share what’s next to come…soon. I’ve always acted like this space was to encourage others, but it’s actually always been a place to write the words I desperately need to hear. I desire to show up & make other feel seen/heard in the middle of the grief because I want more than anything for someone to show up & be there for me. So as I see it, I’ll always choose to display my pain & heartache & sadness so that someone else can know they are not alone in theirs.
This blog started as a place to talk about clothes and fashion 11 summers ago & I slowly transformed it into a place where I could share my life & write words of encouragement through honesty. I’ve chosen to keep it going & to keep showing up in every way that I’ve been able to through all my life’s milestones. I did it all alone. I created, I wrote, I changed, I grew, I cried, I encouraged, I succeeded, I failed, & I exposed myself so that others could be encouraged. On the outside I might look like I have anything a millennial could ever imagine having… I have a following, I have pretty photos, I have cool outfits, I have a huge lists of brands that I’ve worked with, & I have a feed that looks aesthetically pleasing. And I do have those things. I loved creating them & being a part of something that was new & became big & is still changing & growing & becoming new. But I also have anxiety, I have sadness, I have tears that don’t stop coming, I have thoughts that don’t stop racing, I have invisibility that is overwhelming, & I have worry that consumes me & freezes from me moving.
My life is not fun for me. I don’t like all I don’t have, I don’t like my thought process & how it stops me from being able to do anything, I don’t like my inability to make decisions for myself, & it’s a hard reality to embrace that I’m the only one who can change any of it when I don’t feel capable or strong enough to do it. I wrote the first half of this post about three months ago when I was in a pretty good spot & I wrote these last few paragraphs just today in the middle of feeling like I have barely been able to function lately. I’ve learned a lot more about myself again in just 90 days & the truth is, I think we always will be on that journey of changing & growing & figuring out how to handle the ups & downs of life, forever. Life is just so unpredictable. Life really hurts sometimes. And when it does, it’s easy to forget that it can be joyful too. It’s hard to hold onto hope & settle into peace when everything feels chaotic.
I don’t have an answer to any of it. All I have is the promise I have to give myself to keep seeking & finding whatever it is that will work for me. All I have is the effort I can try & give myself on the good days & the hard days & the grace I have to give myself on the days that I feel like I can’t keep going. All I have to offer is telling myself to keep showing up. And the encouragement for you to do the same for yourself because I know you’re tired too. And I know that no matter where you are in your life or emotions, you deserve to be seen.
This is not where I thought I’d be at 30 & this isn’t how I thought I’d feel about life when I turned this age. But if I’m being honest, not one single part of my life has been what I thought it would be or has gone how I thought it would go. That is literally life though. It doesn’t make sense. The people that stay & the ones that go, the emotions that hit you, the hurt that is unexpected, the healing that transforms you, & the truth that you don’t see any of it coming. The first 30 years of my life have not been anything I wanted, here’s to hoping that things keep pushing me towards wherever it is I’m supposed to be. Because the longest relationship you have in your life is the one you have with yourself so maybe some of us are just supposed to spend more time with ourselves for reasons that won’t make sense until we get there. Here’s to 3 decades of life, 11 years of blogging, & a number of tears, doubts, & moments that have ranged from terrible to great & 1 big wish that it’ll somehow get better (mostly my thinking on how to focus & uplift the good & not be drowned & pulled down by the bad).
Always know that whatever you’re currently sitting in you will be faithfully pulled through because it’s a lie that you will be stuck in it forever.
– Abbey Kay
Be encouraged. Be inspired. Be seen. 
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