The beginning of the year hit & I feel like I haven’t slowed down one bit ever since. Normally, this is my slower time of the year, but for some reason I have been non-stop busy with projects & I’m super grateful for it. My feed has been filled with tons of sponsorship posts which means I’m getting paid to take photos & do what I love. And my inbox has been constantly being filled with new opportunities & jobs. I’ve always said that I never knew this was my dream because it just sort of slowly happened to me, but I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. Being busy is great, but being a blogger is a lot of hard work & it usually means working every day of the week with no set hours & constantly adding things to your to-do list. My work day is truly never done, it just comes to a point in my day where I can justify leaving the rest for tomorrow, or the next day, or if I’m being honest the next week(s).
Being this busy has created seclusion for me lately & honestly a ton of stress as I am a one woman show running my business & figuring it all out as I go. It’s also left me little to no time to sit down & write which is one of my favorite things about what I do. I should force myself & create time to write because it’s honestly like therapy to me, but the truth is I don’t get many dollar signs for writing encouragement which is why I do sponsorships. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking product photos, they make me feel alive so it’s cool to me that I can take a photo of some cereal (that’s really good btw) & then get paid to post about it. But, writing is the meaningful side of my job & I feel like what I do can seem so empty & vain without it. So here I am writing. My main goal was to deliver an update, to say hi, & then hopefully through whatever I have to say, some encouragement comes out.
Remember how I said I’ve been pretty secluded lately? It’s true. I didn’t mean to do it, but I sort of just stopped going places & hanging out with my friends. I’ve never been the kind of friend to ask to hang out because I’ve always just waited for them to ask me. It kind of back fires though because while I’m doing all that waiting I start to think that my friends don’t like me anymore because they’re not asking to hang out. I could easily ask them to do things, but whenever I think about doing that all these little voices tell me all the reasons they can’t or won’t be able to hang out. Maybe that’s anxiety? Maybe that’s a fear of being rejected or turned down or something. I’ve lived a pretty lonely life of doing things usually on my own, so I’m used to it. I hardly feel like people are there for me. That’s a lie though. My personality just tells me that, not the actual people around me.
Update #1: I’m gonna work on trying to be a better friend by asking people to do things instead of waiting around to be asked.
Despite being secluded, I actually haven’t been that sad lately & I’m not sure why. It could be from drinking celery (& green apple) juice everyday. Yeah, I jumped on that band wagon mainly because I read a benefit of it is that it helps with anxiety & depression & I thought it was worth a shot. So far so good. I mean, I’m sure other things have factored in, but I enjoy drinking it everyday so I’m continuing to do so. That could be another reason I haven’t written in awhile because I’m not sad. More often than not, I write what I myself need to hear. When I was super sad about my grandpa passing away, like legit mourning for almost an entire year sad, I wrote every week about sadness & happiness & the reality of trying to live with both feelings & emotions being so prevalent in my life. I wrote about my true feelings. But it’s so much easier for me to write about sadness because it just feels so much more real than writing & saying I’m fine, I really am. And I mean it. Like, who really believes that? Besides, I like being that voice to others on the dark side who reaches out with one hand while using my other hand to cusp around my mouth in order to make my shout of it’s okay to not be okay louder. No one hears or sees those people, but I want to. So even though I really am doing okay, or better at least, I want you to know, whoever you are, that it’s okay to be where you’re at right now.
Update #2: I still know what it’s like in the deep end, but I’m just hanging out on the other end right now.
I’m learning to say no more & speak up for what I want out of my business, life, & time. That’s something I have always struggled with: saying yes & regretting it, or saying no & regretting it. I’ve joked a few times that this year is “Abbey Kay Don’t Take No Shit 2019” & I think it’s working. I don’t mean this to be rude. But I feel like in the past I have said yes to jobs & their requirements & then I’ve dreaded completing them. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. My job is to be creative & creativity shouldn’t feel exhausting & soul sucking. It should give life! I want every project I do to give me excitement & purpose & joy while capturing it. So I’m speaking up, I’m turning down jobs, I’m only committing to the projects that I know I can give 100% of myself & my passion to.
Update #3: I’m working my hardest to hone in on my Abbey Kay brand & I’m loving it.
My brother told me the other day that he thinks my encouragement can lead people no where sometimes. I was honestly super pissed that he said that to me. But I can get his perspective. Words have impact, but are they the right words & do they have any substance to back them up? I don’t want to be a hand holder. But I do want to be on your team. I love writing & I love talking, but I mainly love connecting to other’s stories, lives, & realities. Not everyone has someone, & I want to be that someone for them. I want to tell you that dream chasing it possible & totally worth it. I want to tell you that you’re capable of loving your body & your story. These are truths. People need to hear it. We are imperfect beings, but we were created intentionally with purpose. This is my purpose, to write words that carry meaning & provoke change. It’s just in me & I have to do it.
Update #4: I’m still rooting for you, & her, & the daily struggle we all face.
I’m hoping to write more. I’m hoping you’ll hold me to that hope. And I hope that you enjoy reading what I write!
Always know that life is never going to look like it does right now again. Whether you are somewhere good, somewhere low, or somewhere in between, know that you’re heading somewhere better than you’ve dreamed.
– abbey kay
*brought to you by a girl who is happy she took some time to write