Recently someone reached out to me & asked for advice on what to do when you can’t stop comparing yourself to someone else in an unhealthy way. I felt very humbled that this person trusted me enough to confide in me & that she thought I would know how to beat it. Truth is, I struggle with it too, but I did my best to give sound advice to her situation. I admit that I have by no means fully overcome the beast that is comparison, but I have practiced ways to help manage it when it gets out of hand. I know that a lot of people & women deal with this too, so I figured we should talk about it & try & walk through this thing together. So here it goes…
You are not them, & they are not you.
Simply put, you can never be another person no matter how hard you try. Dye your hair, buy their clothes, take photos like them, talk like them, post like them, buy a home like theirs, have a job like theirs, & even when you do, you will still not be them. You’ll become less & less you, & more & more miserable, & I can promise you that. They are being themselves & that is why you can’t be like them. And honestly, you shouldn’t want to be. I think comparison starts to happen when we see less value in ourselves & more value in someone else.
You need to see your value & what you bring to the table.
If you’re serving something cold for dinner from someone else’s table, I don’t want to eat it. I want the you who you are too afraid to discover. I want the you that likes what you like & enjoys what you enjoy. And you should want the same thing for yourself. You have talents & abilities & traits that no one else around you has. They are valuable, they are your gold. I want to see that gold, but I want you to show it in a way where everyone around you knows it’s yours & not from a pawn shop. Own it. Be you. Do something with it. It’s never too late to start.
Don’t think you have to be on anyone else’s timeline other than your own.
I get it. I’ve been there too. For the longest time I was the only single one. Then I was the only not married one. Now I’m the only one without kids. Does it hurt & does it suck to watch people around you have things that you want so badly? Hell yes it does. Some days are easier than others, but sometimes I ache for the life I want. But you have to remember that you are on your own path & not theirs. Your path has a beautiful destination, but you’re going to miss the beauty along the way if you keep looking to see what is on everyone else’s path. Stick to yours & it’s going to be more enjoyable in the end. Whether you struggle with comparing your career, relationship status, height, weight, or whatever, it’s not doing you any good to be so fixated on someone else’s existence.
You are just as important as the girl you’re comparing yourself to so don’t tear her down by trying to build yourself up.
Have you ever thought that maybe the girl you are looking at is looking at someone else, who is looking at someone else, who is looking at someone else, who is maybe looking at you? We are all constantly comparing ourselves & our lives to someone or something we think is greater than ourselves. This is bullshit. Humans are flawed, we can’t keep holding each other up so high. Because if one person falls, then we all fall. We need to learn to stand on our own, support the girl standing next to us, & lean into one another when the ground gets shaky. Your dream should be your own. You should support her dream for being hers. And we should inspire each other along the way. We should want her to win as much as we want to win for ourselves. But how do we get there?
Know yourself more than you know anything else in this world.
When you confidently know who you are comparison stops winning because you already know all that your strengths, weaknesses, passions, & desires will get you in life. I can stop comparing myself to the mommy blogger because I don’t have kids. I can stop comparing myself to that designer blogger because designer clothes are not my thing. I can stop comparing myself to that wedding photographer because I don’t desire to ever photograph weddings. I can stop comparing myself to the size 0 or 2 or 4 girl because I will never be that size & I am okay with it. Know who you are & what you want. You are responsible for getting yourself to your end goal, & comparing your dreams to their dreams only delays you getting there. Take what you are good at, practice that ability, turn up your voice, & get moving. And when the bad days come because they will, know that it’s okay to have them.
Love yourself when you fail, & do something you love to create joy.
I’m all for the truth that not everyday is going to be a good day. It just simply doesn’t work out that way. So when you fail, when you inevitably start to compare, recognize what you’re doing & stop. Tell yourself that you don’t want to go down that rabbit hole that leads no where good. Be kind to yourself. Say out loud things you love about yourself & remind yourself who you are & who you want to be. It also helps to try & do something that feeds your soul right away to regain some joy. Snap a cool flatlay, make a cup of coffee, go back & look at your own achievements, put on a trendy outfit, do your hair & make up, go for a walk…do whatever it is that you know gives you life. Then, remember to keep doing those things daily so that you don’t forget the little things that are so simple yet so good. Little things add up, & they are worth experiencing over & over again if you enjoy them. So find your little things that are filled with love & remember to do them often so that joy fills your days.
Comparison is going to naturally happen, fight it when it starts to creep in.
You got this. You can beat it. You don’t have to let it steal your light, energy, time, & happiness anymore. Know who you are, know your value & your own personal dream. When you live everyday striving for your goals, & not theirs, comparison starts to slowly fade away. Don’t let it ruin another moment of your life. Stop comparing waist lines, diets, work out routines, parenting techniques, Instagram filters/feeds, incomes, relationships, jobs, opportunities, faces, shapes, & beauty. I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we all walked & talked & looked to same. I want to encourage you to strive to be a part of one that celebrates our differences instead of pitting them against each other.
Always know that what you have to offer is worth offering.
– abbey kay
*brought to you by a girl who is in the battle of comparison with you