knowing yourself & sadness

I’m not sure that I’ve ever really opened up & shared my experience with this topic before. I know I have always been an advocate for allowing yourself to be sad & feel sadness if that’s what you’re currently feeling. I think it’s healthy to know where you’re at emotionally sometimes, & that’s it’s okay to just be there in that emotion instead of trying to force yourself out of it too quickly. I know I’ve mentioned these beliefs before, but I’m not sure if I have ever actually talked about my perspective & story of what I deal with whenever sadness decides to creep in & take over.

A little over a week ago it was National Day of Encouragement & I was so excited to be really upbeat & encouraging that day, & I was planning on sharing my first Instagram TV video that was going to focus on why I choose to talk about encouragement. I had had a meeting early that morning, but then had planned on coming home & recording my video to post. I had gone over in my head all that I wanted to say about the different stories & points in my life that had guided me toward wanting to use my voice for more than just fashion. But right before I started to record I just got really, really sad. I was trying to push through it & record the video anyway because National Day of Encouragement was only one day long & I had promised a video & I wanted to stick to my word & deliver one. I recorded a video…6 videos to be exact. They all ended up being a little different & they all made me feel more & more sad. I spent four hours that day trying to build up the courage to just pick one & post it. I never did. I felt weak & tired & just upset with myself & I couldn’t get over the fear & the doubt that came long with all the sadness I had felt that day out of nowhere.

Usually when I get this was, or at least lately, I am able to pull myself out of it. I can sometimes go do something that I really love or enjoy, & then I’m better. This time though, no matter what I did, it was just too heavy to overcome that day. And the next day. And the next, which lead to actually being sad for an entire week. (And no, it had nothing to do with my lady month time, but thank you for the thought). Sometimes when I get this way I just have to make it through the day because waking up to a new sun makes everything better. But not this time. This time I was unmotivated, I was tired, I felt lonely even though I wasn’t alone, & I just couldn’t shake it.

A few days after the initial day of sadness I had told my friend that I would be at her event, & even though when I get like this I would usually just bail because I would emotionally feel like I just couldn’t handle any type of human interaction, I had decided to still try & go because maybe it would help get me out of it. I woke up, & as I got ready I just got sadder & sadder, but I didn’t want to let my friend down, so I showed up & planned to go to a coffee shop to work afterwards. Friends then coffee, that should definitely be the cure to sadness, right? I remember driving there, almost in tears at every stoplight. Why was I sad? I still didn’t know. I parked, went in, hung out, laughed, talked & interacted all while still feeling so sad. And just before I left my friend turned & said to me that she always loves being around me because there was just something about being in my presence that just made her feel good. I thanked her telling me that, confessed that I was kind of having a sad day for no reason other than I just was, & told her that I was glad she told me that I could do that for her.

I left & didn’t have the energy to go work at a coffee shop like I had planned. I went home & didn’t have the emotional energy to do much of anything else that day. Whenever I get like this, it isn’t because something happens. I just wake up with this feelings & I can’t get it to go away. I’m able to get out of bed, I’m able to shower & get dressed, I’m able to eat, & I’m sometimes even able to be surrounded by those who love me & have a good time. I don’t get this way & think I have nothing to be grateful for. I don’t get this way & forget that I have plenty of good things & moments in my life. I don’t get this way & then suddenly feel overwhelmingly alone. I know I have people around me who are team me, but I am alone in knowing what it’s like to be like this. That part does get to me. My mom doesn’t get it. My family doesn’t get it. My friends don’t get it. I don’t have that one person who gets it & can focus on me & just be there until I don’t feel that way anymore. I have myself in it, I get what it feels like.

Sometimes this feelings hinders me from so much. Work, friendships, relationships, life, they all sometimes get less of me when I’m like this. This last bit of sadness lasted almost an entire week. That was rough. It’s flowing in & out a bit today. I’m sure being self-employed doesn’t help much either, it probably feeds this little pesky twerp because most days I am completely alone, all day long. But I know myself enough to know that it eventually goes away & that I will eventually feel like myself again. It’s not always easy. It is super isolating, but it doesn’t have to be.

Part of growing up & getting older is knowing yourself more, & being able to communicate who you are to those around you. I know I get like this. I can recognize the feelings & all that will come with them. I try to vocalize it to those around me so that they know what it is I’m going through. They don’t have to do anything to “fix” it or me, but sometimes just them knowing is enough to help everyone know what is happening. It’s more than just a changing of my mood or adding a dose of positivity to my day. It’s a feeling you can’t shake no matter how hard you try.

I want you to know that it’s okay if you get like this sometimes too. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not useless, or worthless, or damaged. It sucks to have these moments or days of sadness crash over you like an ocean wave. Sometimes you get back up after one second of being under the water & everything is fine, other times you get beat by multiple waves in a row & it takes longer to find your grounding again. That’s okay. I’m not a doctor, & I can’t sit here & say you or I have this or that. I just personally know what some of my days are like & I’m willing to talk about them in hopes that it might help you to feel that you’re not alone if you feel the same way sometimes too.

Living through the sad days are hard sometimes, like really hard. They are exhausting. They turn me off from life. They deprive me of joy & energy. My biggest fear about them is if I’ll be able to figure them out now so that one day when I have kids I’ll be able to be a good & present mom for them. I don’t know if I’ll get there before then, but I’m trying hard now so that this won’t effect them one day, though sadly, I’m sure it will in one way or another.

I choose to not take anything for this. This is my normal & I’d rather find ways to navigate & work through my normal instead of trying to masque it. So if you have any tips on ways that help you get to the other side, then I’m all for hearing about it! I’m sorry I didn’t post the encouraging video, I’m sorry I was a bit MIA lately. I’m just currently trying to work through what sadness sometimes looks like & try to be okay with knowing yourself more so because of it.

Always know that your worth doesn’t come from the influx of your emotion, but instead it is grounded in the truth that you are worthy simply because you exist.

– abbey kay

*brought to you by a girl who is sometimes overcome with sadness, but isn’t afraid of the cost of knowing yourself