so many things make me want to cry lately 

So many things make me want to cry lately. It’s not because I’m a girl. It’s not because I’m hormonal. It’s not because I’m pregnant or living with the monthly proof that I’m not. I just want to cry lately, over everything.

I want to cry because people keep calling me a “white girl” since I barely understand subculture. I want to cry because they aren’t wrong. I want to cry because I have no clue how to even get educated on matters that matter most.

I want to cry because I didn’t enjoy high school like they all say you’re supposed to. I want to cry because I might have been the root of other’s tears back then. I want to cry because I remember how lonely I felt during those years & no one knew.

I want to cry because I think it’s ridiculous all the money politicians are given just to run for office. I want to cry because politics are messy & they divide this country completely. I want to cry because there’s a dude who’s an asshole running for president & people I know are actually voting for him. 

I want to cry because my grandpa is dead. I want to cry because my heart is broken watching my grandma be alone. I want to cry because the truth is I will always have to live with this hallowing pain. 

I want to cry because something has always held me back from truly living. I want to cry because I finally found something that’s helped me to confidently live. I want to cry because that something in my life is about to be over.

I want to cry because it’s dumb that girls hate each other. I want to cry because it breaks my heart that women don’t know how to be strong. I want to cry because we need to know that strength looks different on everybody.

I want to cry because I just want to be a mom. I want to cry because people don’t respect that. I want to cry because I’m secretly jealous of everyone who currently has a kid.

I want to cry because protests happen that are supposed to bring about peace & justice, but they’re really just a target for violence. I want to cry because there are voices that need to be heard in this country. I want to cry because I’m afraid those voices never will be.

I want to cry because I hate the community of people that I was raised around. I want to cry because I’m bitter about the ideas put into my head when I was a kid. I want to cry because my parents will cry reading what I just wrote.

I want to cry because people are freaking out over the usage of public bathrooms. I want to cry because it’s just a place to remove waste. I want to cry because I have anxiety using them in general & I’m deemed “normal”. 

I want to cry because I’m too honest & open in times when I shouldn’t be. I want to cry because I detach emotion from circumstance. I want to cry because I don’t care how my own truth & honesty affects people. 

I want to cry because I feel like I’ve been used. I want to cry because I have been the selfish user. I want to cry because I still find myself stuck in the middle of doing both. 

I want to cry because just because I have boobs I am sexualized. I want to cry because if I enjoy that I’m called a slut. I want to cry because either way you look at it you can’t win. 

I want to cry because my family doesn’t talk about things. I want to cry because they honestly make me feel so alone sometimes. I want to cry because there’s nothing they’ve actually done to make me feel this way, I just do. 

I want to cry because people live with the thoughts that they were born wrong. I want to cry because sometimes people aren’t born. I want to cry because I don’t know which alternative is actually better. 

I want to cry because I sometimes have major social anxiety. I want to cry because I think I might have a form of depression. I want to cry because at 23 I’m realizing that I’ll have to live the rest of my life figuring out & dealing with both. 

I want to cry because people have what I want. I want to cry because people tell me to be happy with where I’m at in life. I want to cry because those same people telling me to be happy are the same people who’ve never been where I currently am. 

I want to cry because so often I feel forgotten in life. I want to cry because I truly feel like nobody sees me. I want to cry because I fear that nobody outside of my mom ever will.

I want to cry because broken families are a thing. I want to cry because children are unwanted. I want to cry because even if your home is good, you can still feel unloved.

I want to cry because whenever I finally get to be a part of something good, it always ends for me. I want to cry because those glimmers of happiness fade away too quickly. I want to cry because I’m someone who mourns every situation no matter how small the moments actually were. 

I want to cry because society doesn’t think you matter unless you’re married or have kids. I want to cry because my family thinks the same. I want to cry because fuck you all, my worth isn’t based upon who I can be with or what I can reproduce.

I want to cry because there are days where true sadness takes over. I want to cry because it’s a fight to even want to function on those days. I want to cry because there’s literally nothing you can do to change the mood you’re in except hope that you wake up living in a brighter tomorrow.

I want to cry because I’m not surrounded by considerate people. I want to cry because I’m talking about the church. I want to cry because people in the world actually know true respect & understanding.

I want to cry because this isn’t who I wanted to be. I want to cry because life doesn’t work out the way you think it will when you’re a kid & they tell you to dream. I want to cry because to me sometimes life just doesn’t seem worth it. 

I want to cry because writing is the one thing that helps me to not want to cry anymore. I want to cry because half of you will think that I’m crazy after reading this. I want to cry because this is really just a way that I process my thoughts & at least I’m not afraid to face them.

I want to cry because honestly crying has become an almost daily thing for me this past year. I want to cry because I am sad & I am happy too. I want to cry because I’m not afraid to let the inexplainable emotion I’m feeling come out. 

So many things make me want to cry lately. Whether it’s one tear a day for my grandpa, a whole night of them because I feel secluded & alone, or just the ones I internally shed for the world I see that is utterly broken. I want to cry lately because sometimes it’s the only thing I can do in order to keep moving on. 

— abbey kay

P.S.

Cry can also mean in this text the following: scream, punch, yell, laugh, gawk, applaud, shout, clap, grunt, shrug, smile, or smirk. You decide which one actually goes where. 

*brought to you by a girl who’s down to cry any tears (or smile any smiles, or laugh any laughs, etc.) with you that you just need to get out because hey, that’s just what we need sometimes as humans & you shouldn’t be ashamed of it or have to do it alone