I don’t know what to say this morning. I don’t know what words to write. I don’t know how to express the flatline of emotion that I feel. I thought I had come to a place where my words wouldn’t offend, where they couldn’t cause hurt, where they wouldn’t strike pain. I thought I had overcome the past me, the me who I had tried so hard to let time & evolution create distance between. I’m finding out that you can’t just change a part of you overnight. You can’t just undo something once it’s been done. You can’t catch words once they leave your mouth.
Words are some of my favorite things, I believe they’re raw emotions to coming to life. Words can be beautiful. Words can bring people together. Words can calm hearts. Words can express the deepest form of who you are. But, words are also daggers. They tear humans apart. They cause wounds that can’t be healed. They’re poison. They’re a disease that can spread quicker than wildfire.
I don’t know what words are meant to be said for today. I don’t know what to say because sometimes when I say things it just ruins everything. For someone who loves words more than most, I don’t always think of how the receiver of my words may feel. And when I know I’ve caused someone any sort of discomfort with what I’ve said, it honestly wrecks me. My body instantly panics, & I take on the emotion of the abused. I only ever want my words to cause joy. But life isn’t perfect, situations aren’t written out story lines, & you can’t create characters to react however you wish. Life is full of talkers & listeners, & sometimes you need to work harder on being the one you’re not.
When I don’t have anything to say, when I don’t have the words for today, I still somehow find myself needing to write.
When a lesson gets learned, I hope you learn it well. Because second chances are rare, words are infinite, & sometimes things can only be said once.
When you know you fucked up, you have to live with it. Are you willing to live & be responsible for all the words you’ve ever said?
I’m finding out that sometimes we have no other option than to do just that.
These are my words for today: talk when necessary, listen when you can, & apologize when possible. But I hope you figure out which one of the first two is more important before you have to land on the third option & it’s too late.
— abbey kay
*brought to you by a girl who wishes she said less